alisanne

Title: The Dictaquill 3000
Author:

alisanne
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Severus Snape/Harry Potter.
Word Count: ~1020
Warnings: None.
A/N: Written for

hp_creatures/

hp_creatures's April prompt: Peruvian Vipertooth, Proliferated, “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” -- Bertrand Russell.
Beta(s):

sevfan and emynn.
Disclaimer: The characters contained herein are not mine. No money is being made from this fiction, which is presented for entertainment purposes only.

~

The Dictaquill 3000

~

*Thank you for using the new and improved Dictaquil 3000™, the most modern magical way to record your thoughts, journal, dictate correspondence…*

Stop. Skip to regular dictation mode.

*rustling parchments*

What are you doing, Harry?

Recording our story for posterity.

I doubt posterity cares.

Lily Luna asked me to, and I promised her I would.

Fine. I suppose there’s enough speculation out there that we should set the record straight.

I’m glad you agree! Right, I guess I’ll begin at the beginning. I had no clue about Severus’ secret until the night of the Battle of Hogwarts, although, honestly, I should have deduced it, though, looking back. There were clues, after all.

No there weren’t! How could you possibly have known?

Well, there were your robes for one. No one else wore layer upon layer of robes like you. But now that I realise it was so no drop of water could touch your legs, it makes sense.

You’re jumping ahead.

You’re right. Where was I? Oh, right, the Battle of Hogwarts. Anyway, there we were, me, Hermione, and Ron, watching Nagini attacking Severus. It was horrific, and afterwards when we went to him, he asked for water. I had no clue why, of course, but I gave him a cup of water and then we left to go fight, and when we got back to the boathouse to check on him, he was gone and it looked like someone one had dragged him into the lake.

I dragged myself into the lake.

Well I know that now! Anyway, people searched for weeks while I told anyone who would listen that he was a hero, someone without whom we could not have won the war.

Are you trying to sound literary?

Yes. Is it working?

No, just tell the story.

Fine! After Severus’ name was cleared, I got a mysterious owl with Apparation coordinates and, when I went (against Ron and Hermione’s advice I might add) I found Severus, living in a seaside village. Even then I should have suspected, but I didn’t. I accepted the story about a Portkey in his shoe.

Shoe Portkeys are too easy to set off with a wrong step.

Yes, I suppose that’s true. Anyway, we kept in touch after that. I even invited him to my wedding, but he refused. I had no idea why at the time.

Too many redheads!

Hah, right. Anyway, life was good for a while, Ginny and I did what people expected.

Proliferated and produced a plethora of red-headed children?

Arse. Now who’s being literary? We settled down and had James, followed by Albus. By the time Lily arrived, though, things were…off. Not that we didn’t love each other, but it wasn’t the breathless, passionate love people write about, it was more the, ‘hey, I like you a lot, you’re like my sibling’ sort of thing. We did get married pretty young after all.

Not everyone can be Molly and Arthur Weasley.

That’s true. So after a couple more years of, well, unhappy cohabitation, we finally split up. I knocked about for a while until I mentioned to Severus in one of my owls how I wanted a change of scenery.

It doesn’t get more changed than Plockton.

Ha. He’s not joking. It was quiet and sleepy and beautiful and I fell in love with it and, by extension, him.

*distant snort*

He was secretive, though. Even after we had…you know.

You can say ‘had sex’, Harry.

My kids will be reading this! I’m going to delete that bit.

Your children are all adults with partners, I’m fairly sure they’re familiar with sex.

La la la la! I can’t hear you! I don’t need to think about my babies having sex. Anyway, to continue, Severus was being secretive, so one night after we had…you know, I followed him. He went to the harbour and went for a swim. I felt like a right idiot, so I waited to confess I’d suspected he was dating someone else, except when I saw him, he had a tail!

Took you long enough to deduce my creature nature. I practically had to beat you over the head with it.

Oh please! Who expects their boyfriend to be a merman?

As a wise man one said, ‘The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.’

Well my wits certainly sharpened that night! By the time you got home I was waiting and I made you tell me everything.

And show you everything.

Well, yes.

Don’t pretend it didn’t turn you on, Harry. You’re the one who makes sure we’re never out of Gillyweed.

Fine! I like underwater sex, all right?

I certainly won’t argue.

*kissing noises followed by clothing being ripped and the loud, rhythmic squeaking of furniture*

Oh Merlin!

What is it?

This bloody quill recorded the sound of us having sex! Fuck! And now it’s recording everything I say!

Of course it is, that’s its job. Turn it off.

How do I do that?

How should I know? Didn’t it come with instructions?

I think so…Shit, I think they fell off the desk when we were shagging on it.

Well, unless you want it to record every instance of sex we have from now on, you’ll need to locate it.

Don’t you think I know that? I’m looking…Severus, did you just grope me?

You’re the one flaunting your arse in front of me.

I’m on my hands and knees searching for the quill’s instructions! Unless you want it to record us shagging again…

Does it matter?

Severus!

*kissing noises followed by slurping and wet slapping noises*

Wasn’t that worth it?

Mmm. Hey, something’s stuck to my bottom and it’s covering Evan.

You realise you’re probably the only person in the world who has named his Peruvian Vipertooth tattoo, yes?

Oh, I doubt that. And look, it’s the quill instructions.

Good. I think we’re done telling our story, are we not?

Yeah, I suppose so. Dictaquill off!

~